October. What an absolute shitshow.
You know those months when life decides that you haven’t quite had enough to deal with, so it keeps chucking things at you until you’re left wondering what you’ve done to deserve it? Well, welcome to my October.
Let’s start with the medical anxiety. Five weeks of waiting for biopsy results. Five weeks of wondering, worrying and trying not to let your mind wander into the darkest corners. Thankfully, the results came back benign. A massive relief, and one piece of good news in a month that has otherwise felt determined to kick me in the nuts.
Then there’s the national kitchen retailer. I have reason to believe that some of their staff have behaved deceitfully, so I’ve raised a formal complaint. Nine days later, I’m still waiting for a response. Apparently, customer service now involves taking your money and then testing how long you can tolerate being ignored.
Meanwhile, we decided to decorate. What could possibly go wrong?
As it turns out, the wallpaper was pretty much the only thing holding the plaster onto the walls. Once the paper came off, so did any pretence that the walls were in decent condition. The plaster had blown, leaving us facing the prospect of stripping rooms back to bare brick and replastering them, one room at a time.
Lovely.
An unexpected expense that wasn’t in the budget, because who puts “rebuild half the bloody house” on their decorating checklist?
Naturally, my car decided it wanted a piece of the action too. The home charger stopped working, while the charging flap on the car jammed shut. So, even if I could have fixed the charger, I couldn’t have plugged the car in anyway. A wonderfully coordinated double act of automotive incompetence.
But the grand finale of October’s assault on my sanity was yet to come.
Along came the storm, bringing with it a leak in the roof. What should have been a problem to sort out turned into a complete nightmare. We were left with an unfinished roof, the risk of further damage and, ultimately, a week in temporary accommodation.
A week of living out of bags, being displaced from our own home and dealing with the stress, inconvenience and expense of it all. Exactly what you need when you’re already juggling medical anxiety, complaints, car problems and walls that are held together by wallpaper.
The whole experience has been exhausting, both mentally and financially. There’s something particularly unsettling about not being able to relax in your own home, especially when the place you’re supposed to retreat to from the world becomes another source of stress.
And, of course, there’s the small matter of getting the roof finished, dealing with the consequences and making sure the house is properly watertight again. Because apparently, simply having a roof over your head is now an aspirational lifestyle choice.
At this point, I’m half expecting the ceiling to collapse, the boiler to explode and a passing meteorite to take out the garage. Although, given the month we’ve had, I’d probably just add it to the list and start drafting another complaint.
So, has October been entirely rubbish?
Well, no. In amongst the chaos, I’ve managed to get out to a few gigs, spend time enjoying some brilliant live music and, perhaps most importantly, get out on my bike.
Those moments matter. They’re reminders that, despite everything going on around me, there are still things to enjoy and reasons to get out of the house. Music has always been an escape for me, and getting out on the bike gives me some much-needed headspace. Sometimes, just being able to switch off from the endless list of things that need fixing is worth its weight in gold.
Living with bipolar means I’m already familiar with the fact that life doesn’t always run smoothly. I know that stress can take its toll, and when several things go wrong at once, it can feel as though you’re constantly firefighting rather than actually living.
Sometimes, though, it feels as if the universe has opened a spreadsheet, identified every possible source of stress and decided to work through the list methodically.
October certainly gave it a bloody good go.
But the biopsy was benign. The music was brilliant. The bike got some use. And despite the bills, the complaints, the crumbling plaster and the leaking roof, I’m still here.
I’m trying to hold on to those positives, because they matter just as much as the things that have gone wrong. Not every month needs to be a triumph. Sometimes getting through it without completely losing your rag is achievement enough.
So, goodbye October. You can fuck right off.
November, please be kind. I’m running out of things to repair, complain about and pay for.
