So I wasn’t going to post this, but thought I would. The purpose of this blog is to educate about mental health as much as it is to keep my friends informed of my progress on my triathlon journey. Tuesday has been really tough mentally. 

For I had two pre-organised boxes of tablets at home when we packed for holiday. I would have sworn blind I had them and had packed them but to my dismay I only had one box. Well what does this mean in reality? You see the meds for bipolar disorder are multi faceted. You have mood stabilisers, tabs to stop you going too low and some to stop you going too high there are also ones to help you when all else fails. 

Well guess what, I’m stuck in Africa with only my emergency meds. 

Queueing up for the flight was a nightmare it was hot and sweaty, noisy and I’d had no evening or morning tablets. Que the emergency meds. The flight wasn’t much better I felt an emotional basket case, trying to hold it all together. 

Well I survived the flight and made it home. Took my tablets and I feel ok again. Don’t forget your meds folks. This was written five days ago but thought I’d share. 

So, I’ve been walking the dogs of the beach a lot just recently and have been driving a lot between Derby and Cumbria. Life is good and I’m feeling really motivated. I’ve been eating a lot better and exercising and weight is slowly coming down.

One of the big changes is I have started doing S&C again with fitness queen Zoe online. I have forgotten how much I enjoyed these. That said I am certainly feeling the burn. Hilary has the weekly plan sorted and I’ve started following it again! Mental health and physical health has a lot of links, fore when I am low I never want to train. But feeling good again I am getting on with it.

Walking is my current staple and I am planning to get back in the pool again very soon. Just as I have recovered and healed from a tattoo. I got some new running and cycling specs too this week. Gonna take some confidence to wear these bad boys in public – but I love them.

As I write this I am about to lace up my shoes to go walk the dogs on the beach. Funny how life turns out…

I’m conscious I’ve not contributed to my blog for 4 months now. The reason being I’ve been struggling. Driving 200 miles weekly each way for work and living in a caravan in Cumbria on my own have really been taking its toll.  That coupled with selling and buying a house has given extra added stress. 

But this isn’t going to be a negative post. Fore, I had to pull out of the 70.3 half iron I was scheduled to race. I just had too much going on. I could feel my head was at serious risk of going pop! Pulling out of the race was really difficult as I felt I was letting my friends down, but I needed to do what was right for my mind. This decision was positive for me as I’d usually just push on and damage my mind. 

I’ve just had 10 days in the Austrian Alps with Christian and his children having the most wholesome adventures. Some beer was drank and lots of food was eaten. Sharing a Ski Chalet it was eye opening how ‘active’ families live. 

I’m writing this on the plane back from Austria. I really feel like I have a red pill/blue pill moment. I have a decision to make. It isn’t about iron man triathlons, this is about being about to see my grandchildren mature. I am dangerously out of shape and overweight now. My diabetes is erratic at best. But I’m not focussing on the negative, I actually feel mentally really strong. Strong enough to admit this and strong enough to do something about it!

For 12 months I’ve been doing Pilates with Emily, but she cannot come with me to Ulverston each week. So I’ve been talking with Zoe about doing some more stuff together for strength and conditioning. My knee is healing and getting a lot better, I’ve been told to rest it for a few months and no running until I’ve lost weight. 

So next week I start over. But this time it’s about losing weight and eating better…. I’ve assembled a team to support. 

Nutritionist – Marta Zaremba-Marsden

Triathlon Coach – Hilary Johnson

Strength and Conditioning – Zoe Godfrey

127KG current weight. Peak weight 140KG. 

On April 27th 2025 I will participate in my toughest challenge yet. 26.2 miles and to be honest I am really nervous. I should have been training this week, but I have been wiped out with man flu. Orders from Hilary to rest up.

Last few weeks has been good though, I’ve had a few trips to the woods with mates putting the world to rights. I really do love going round Shining Cliff woods. I reiterate it is my happy place. I can’t wait to take mango there either. Another 6 months and her joints will be mature enough.

I’m conscious my last blog was a bit short; I thought I would add some explanation. We put the house on the market, all ready to move but I didn’t sleep properly for 3 days – I was having big time second thoughts. Not at the prospect of moving per se. But rather at the timing, Sebs loved up and does his own thing but Isaac is here at home nearly every day. Even when I’m at work he comes round for a little while. We made the decision to postpone the move until Isaac finishes college and goes to Uni.

So let me introduce you to Bertha! Bertha is our solution to accommodation in the south lakes. Plus we get a fab place to go on holiday. She is quite old, but in fab condition and only 20 mins from work – perfect! Looking forward to hosting the odd BBQ 🙂

We’ve also been busy at home. Isaac now has a car (so does Seb) and it’s adorned with the traditional right-of-passage L plates :-). Poor Linda has been out every night driving with him while I’ve been away! To be fair he’s probably better than me

The past few weeks I’ve been busy running. I’ve been stomping the streets of barrow and Derby. I’m now up to 8.5km, but I am really struggling with time management.

As I’m away 3 or 4 days a week I’m cramming my socialising in to the weekends and I find I’m ridiculously busy. I’m a social being and love spending time with my friends but something has to give…

Mentally I’m starting to struggle and feel burned out. Linda is not very well and it’s starting to take its toll on me. The worse day I have had was my birthday. My actual birthday! The night before we had an 80s night and it was fab. But the night after (the day of my birthday). I was surrounded by friends, but I’d never felt so lonely.

I had been for a meal but my head was spinning, I couldn’t get out of the restaurant quickly enough. I knew I needed my emergency meds so I needed to get home. I didn’t know why, but I had the urge to walk home. This took me through some of the worse areas of Derby en route but I needed to clear my head.

When I got home I took my meds and felt better really quickly. All this period of down time coincided with an incident at work which meant we had to work from home. I felt triggered. It reminded me of Covid times. I knew I needed to get back in.

Fortunately work were very good and within a couple of weeks I was back in an office. not my actual office but served as a temporary one while we awaited getting back into our home.

They say it’s ok to not be ok. But sometimes you still feel a burden to folk. I’ve started some specialist counselling I’ve been waiting for all year since January 24. I’m sure I’ll pick up soon.

So I have been trying to get my diet and exercise plan together for a few weeks. But in the middle of all this I had a trip to Vegas. That was; beer, food and partying for a week. What I had not realised was the consequences of this. 

I had been controlling my diabetes for a year now without any required support other than regular sessions with the diabetic nurse. Since I got back from Vegas I’d been feeling sluggish and tired, but thought I was just a bit tired and I’d shake it off. 

Last Friday I got a call from the doctor who was concerned with my (regular) blood test showing high sugars. She changed my meds and I thought that would be it. However I felt really poorly at work on Wednesday so booked an appointment with a GP when I got home. I was lucky to have got an appointment that day.  Long story short I spent the evening/night in Hospital. 

My bloods were still too high. I got sent home when they stabilised a bit, but I have to see an Endocrinologist. I also have an appointment this week with my Diabetes Nurse. 

This couldn’t have come at a worse time for me. I was in the middle of a training course and had started the first tentative steps towards my marathon training. Now I need to pick up the pieces. Right now I feel light headed and fatigued. Need to beat this. I won’t give in!

Blog Sept 24

So yet again it has been a few weeks since my last post. Driven not by lack of action, but more like too much going on! The first thing that has happened recently is me graduating from Manchester University with an MSc in Project Management. I can’t thank the university and staff enough for their support. It is no secret that I have had issues with my mental health that caused me to require study interruptions. These were invaluable to me and Jenny, Callam, John and Rich you guys are brilliant. 

Then in August I represented Rolls-Royce PRISM Employee Resource Group at Belper Pride. A fabulous time was had. I started the day meeting my friend Debra for breakfast with her children at my favourite cafe Reunion. Then there was a parade. The biggest Pride parade I have experienced – I’ve been Scunthorpe, Ulverston and Belper. A highlight was a friend of mine dressing up as a furry animal to entertain the kids. It was lovely to witness. At one point Debra disappeared and came back with about 30 packs of Haribo to feed said kids. What a laugh. 

Later that day me, Isaac and a friends lad, Sam headed to south west Wales for the Celica Rally day hosted by Nicky Grist. This was on Nicky’s private rally circuit. Incredible is the only word I can use to describe it. 

Bloodstock 2024 did not disappoint either. I go most years but for some reason this year was the best. The bands were incredible and the company was pretty awesome too. Here’s me and Iggy living it up. 

Now September projects something different. It is operation Marathon beginning. I’ve got my weight down to 126kg from 140kg and I’m about to start running. 

As I write this I am sat on a plane to Marrakesh thinking about what has gone one the past few weeks. Several weeks ago now I had a mental health breakdown. I lost tough with reality for a few short hours. This made me think a lot about life in general and my health. I saw several doctors including my PDoc but you know what I’m coming to realise that my mental health is something that ‘I’ have to manage.

I’m going to try pretty much whatever it takes to get control. I have bought something called a Flow Headset, which you wear on your head and using electricity it stimulates the frontal cortex of your brain. I’ve been using it for 5 weeks not and I have to say I feel a new man.

I also have some Exciting news, I have a new job in Cumbria. I’m going to commute and stay over initially but am seriously considering a full time move up North. Some great training lakes in Cumbria.

Also I have been working closely with Marta regarding my diet and Hilary on my training. The first target is to lose 6kg by August 8th. I have also entered the Manchester Marathon for 2025 and will be entering Outlaw half in Nottingham in 2025.

I’m currently in my hotel in Marrakesh thinking positively about my goals and the past week. The boys have had a great time: we have visited the Market Souks and market square, then visited the Palace of Bahia and Koutoubia Mosque – it is a beautiful city.

Well I’m going to start with some very nice stuff that has been happening. For 1, I have completed my dissertation and it is currently being marked. I am so grateful for all the understanding and support that the University has given me, in particular to the lecturers Richard and John for their unwavering support.

I have been to Germany to spend time with my friends and celebrate Pia’s Jurgendweihe (consecration). It was a lovely trip, where me and Seb travelled on our own due to Isaac having his GCSE exams.

I also got to spend some time with Gill and Sam, who took me to my first ever Rugby game. I have to say it was really nice time. We had a great view and sat near the pitch. After the game we got to go into the pitch and meet the players. Sam loved this.

And just to balance the joy and happiness out I had a Bipolar Episode. I had been walking around Elvaston park with some work friends and felt absolutely fantastic. Honestly I couldn’t have been more relaxed.

But this all changed when I got home. I felt a dark mood and a lowness descending on me. I was super angry and depressed but I don’t know why. During the lowness I lost track of reality and was convinced things were happening that weren’t. It was scary and to my knowledge this is only the second time I have experienced this – although Linda thinks it’s 3 times.

So here I am, at home feeling pretty rubbish. My mood is up and down and I am waiting to hear back from my PDoc. Pants!

Every year my cycling club (Derby Mercury) take a winter break at a youth hostel. As per usual, this did not disappoint. We took over Hawarth Youth Hostel in the moors for the weekend at the beginning of December.

There was the usual crowd there with some new faces and lots of excited children. I took my dog Luna with me, she loved it. There was a lot of excitement for her though. One of the highlights for me was the keg of Real Ale from Jim which was simply lovely.

On the Saturday I woke about 6am and sat in the kitchen with Luna relaxing for 45 minutes with a couple of cups of tea. About 7am the rest of the team rose and me, Ian and Sean set about the mammoth task of cooking Breakfast Cobs and Porridge for 47 people. I can tell you it was hot in the kitchen!

Once that was done we all got our kit together to prepare for the walk. Mother Nature had kindly dumped a load of snow on the moors. While beautiful, it wasn’t half slippy! Not the one when you have a replacement hip. As we approached the moors the black dog of doom descended on me, but I didn’t tell anyone. Truth be told I was really anxious. I had an irrational fear that something bad would happen. I popped one of my emergency meds and by the time we actually hit the snowy stuff I was well again.

We left the steep sided route through the beautiful town and across the cemetery path. Soon we were in the moors and I can only describe it as beautiful. The route we took was the Bronte path up to the famous falls. When we got there it was very very cold. I put the coat on Luna.

We then carried on higher upto Top Withens, then from here we made for the highest point on the moor. We followed the Ridgeline back down to Leeshaw Reservoir. When we got to Haworth we had a well deserved beer.

Well things had been going great. What else could happen? Well I experienced a big ‘down’ the other week that really rocked me. Linda was at her mothers celebrating her sisters birthday. I on the other hand was feeling low and on my own. I had Isaac with me and had to hide from him how low I was really feeling.

I have not felt that bad for a long while, I locked myself away trying to mask and hide my feelings. The truth is I was in pain inside. What do you do in these situations – I, as usual, took my emergency medication and called Linda. I felt awful doing this, but she came home and this helped.

On the Sunday me and Iss went to see a friend in Boston for a catch up and talk about cars :-). This cheered me up no end. On the Monday I started a fresh meal plan that was exciting and things started to look good again.

It is “World Mental Health Day” today and I am forever grateful for my friends and family who support me and each other in difficult times. I think it is my turn to cook tonight.

September the 4th 2023 was the date. I was down to take part in the Outlaw X 70.3 middle iron distance triathlon. Me and Tom had teamed up and trained together for this. Here is my race report.

How did you feel going into the event?

Physically I felt really good. Despite the fact I was carrying still some excess weight I knew I’d done the training. The 3 day run in to the event I was a bundle of nervous energy, the night before I had woke at 4am. With my mental health, the fight was always going to be mental in the pre-race.

The day before, at registration and racking my bike I was fortunate that Tom was with me. He walked me through transition into T1 and then T2. I then visualised this in my head. This helped a lot with the nerves.

How did each leg go? (What went well? – to take with you for the next race, what could’ve you done better? – what did you learn?)

Swim – as we were called down to the swim in our waves the nerves really started to come to the fore. I was so nervous, the thing was I had never jumped into water and swam straight off the bat. It usually takes me 10 minutes to warm up. The event provided no opportunity to warm up. It was 7am and I was about to literally take a leap into the unknown.

As I jumped in the cold took my breath. But no time to worry about basic needs such as breathing, I was in the race! I needed to find a rhythm and get to the first buoy. The water was white with everyone splashing, there were hundreds of us in the lake. At one point I was hit on my back by accident from another swimmer. Then someone was hitting my feet. I freaked out. I started breaststroke for a while and then moved to front crawl with my head completely out of the water. At that point I passed buoy 1.

I noticed on the right a person racing holding onto one of the Marshalls canoes. I honestly thought I cannot do this, I turned back and assessed the situation. I could end this now I thought. I swear to god, the only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t want to let folk down that were coming to watch me race. So I pushed on. At this point the faster racers had left the lake and I had some space.

I remembered what Chris had taught me and focussed purely on my stroke. One arm after another and getting my breathing together. When I got back to the pontoon I thought I would reassess the situation thinking I had been over half the cutoff time. But to my surprise I was on 31 minutes. ‘Game on’. I could do this. I jumped back into the water and carried on hunting down the buoys slowly, but surely.

Then a strange thing happened after buoy 1 I actually started enjoying myself. I’m doing this. Me. Yes, me – I’m doing this. When I got back to the pontoon I struggled to climb out and fell over as soon as I stood up. Not sure why, but maybe rush of blood to my head. I’d also like to make mention of some of my kit that often goes unmentioned. My Huub Goggles were incredible, I have 3 pairs of Aphotic goggles, tinted, clear and photocromatic they did not fog up once and really inspired confidence.

Bike – the bike was a ‘different’ experience for me. Bittersweet it could be called. For months there was only one bike for me. My oldest, yet trusty Bianchi. However it wasn’t meant to be, the bike developed a few issues on the test ride of the course and my friend Christian took a look at the bike and said it needed new parts, that you can’t get any more.

So I made a bold decision and decided to go with my TT Bike. Now there is a story, which I will try and cover quickly about the bike. I bought it second hand from a good friend 3 years ago, but I have always been too heavy for the wheels spec. I’ve literally just become light enough to ride it. So other than a few Turbo sessions on it I’d never ridden it on the road until last week.

Well I experienced pain in my back almost from the 20km climb. The rest of the bike leg was an ordeal mentally and physically. I was so not used to the position. Physically I had a really tough time. Mentally I just had to keep going.

The last 10km felt uphill to T2, but it was the nicest experience ever being cheered on by LInda, Fiona, Ben and Hilary. Plus the Huub team were there cheering me on. This was amazing.

Run – I took a very long time in T2 for a reason. My back were shot. I didn’t know what to do. I figured I could do my practiced 9:1min run/walk. I did the first 9 minutes and was in agony, my lower back was really stiff and painful. When I tried to run again I just couldn’t do it – the pain was too intense. I was not ready to quit though, I was looking at my. Watch trying to figure out what pace I needed to maintain in order to finish.

There are some things that are hard to explain. The support from the army of volunteers was incredible. They were either cheering you on or trying to make sure you were ok. When I finished the first lap my dad joined me to encourage me. He was telling me to stop. I said no, I had an objective to achieve. So I geared up for lap two of three.

By this point I had a blister on my right foot and my hip was also hurting from my back. Halfway through the lap the commissionaire told me I was not going to meet the cut off. I didn’t stop I was determined to finish my lap.

About halfway into the lap I was joined by a young man on a bike who became my guardian angel. To say he looked after me would be an understatement- he fetched me drinks, poured water over me and kept me moving forward. He must have stayed with my for 45-60min. We had some great conversations and I forgot to ask his name. Turns out his name is Oscar and he is an elite Triathlete! Thanks Oscar.

When we got to the church near the end of the lap I was told by Oscar I was to run up the athlete finish shoot. I didn’t really understand why. But they had something planned. Marta appeared and her husband Stuart helped me by walking the remaining lap with me. Then suddenly I was walking up the famous carpet, the Commentary Team were telling everyone my story and I was given the warmest welcome ever by the crowd. I was truly humbled.

Nutrition (pre, during and post-race)

Breakfast was 60g rolled oats and homemade fruit compote. High-5 Caffeine drink and a pint of water.

In T1 and T2 I had a banana. On the bike I had 5 High 5 energy bars and 2 energy gels

Hydration

Bike 4 x 750ml high 5 Zero

On the run I had water and high-5 energy juice on every feed station (3 per lap)

General feeling after the event

Amazing. I may not have achieved what I set out to achieve. But I gave 100% and left nothing on the line. I’ve already booked an airbnb for Holkham next year. So proud, I am so glad to have such a great team around me.

So the past few weeks I’ve stepped up my training a little, Sam is back to being my weekly running partner again and I can feel I am getting fitter. The weight is also coming down, which is good.

The other week we we’re meant to go to Italy, but due to a fire ended up in Mojacar, Spain. It was a small town in the southern mainland and we stayed in a nice hotel. My only complaint was the noise! It was incredible – so much so, that we couldn’t go in there at night and ended up eating out a lot. But nevermind! I took my running kit and teamed up with a new friend, Gill, running early morning before it got hot.

When I came back my mind was quickly on the 1/2 Ironman that I had booked in September. The main thought in question is that I don’t have a tri-suit big enough due to the weight gain. Next stop Huub; I ordered a larger, than I had been previously, Tri-suit and I got a personal delivery from Deano – the CEO of Huub!! He said he was glad I’m back training and had a couple of bits of cycling kit to wear. Blown away is the word! What he didn’t know was I was riding out a bad day again and he really made me feel so much better! Thanks Deano.

My training has upped again, this is what I am doing for those that are interested.

Monday – Swim Intervals

Tuesday – Run Endurance & Core

Wednesday – Bike Endurance

Thursday – Swim Endurance

Friday – Rest Day

Saturday – Run Endurance & Core & Lake Swim

Sunday – Bike Endurance

The training plan is put together in detail By Hilary and is reviewed weekly, so it does often change a bit. Particularly the past few months my mental health has had a large impact on my training with only light sessions when at my worse. at one point I wouldn’t get back in the water, Chris also helped by giving me some more lessons in the pool.

Sometimes I get very Anxious before I train? I don’t know why, there is no rational to it. Sometimes it literally takes me hours to get out the door. Sunday was the worst- I spent 5 hours in my cycling kit before I got out the door. I can’t understand it, cause once I am going I love it. I’m so glad I have the support of my team. They understand- and help.

The next four weeks are a big unknown to me. It’s scary when I think about it, it’s daunting at best. The challenge is 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike followed by a 13.1 mile run. Easy.

So it’s been a bit rubbish lately. Some of my close friends have moved back down south and it’s been generally a depressing time. That said I’ve continued my Sunday walking with Andy and Isaac has been joining us too with his camera.

I’ve been cycling my mood again. One day I’m feeling ok and the next I don’t want to get out of bed. I planned to watch Glastonbury (as I love music) but still have 21 hours of un-watched footage. This weekend should have been my half Ironman and we still had a cottage booked, so even though I had to withdraw from the race we still travelled down to enjoy the cafes of Norfolk.

She day should have been a relaxed day, but I was really anxious in the morning. I had to take my emergency meds again for the first time in about 2 weeks. Once they had worked their way into my system we went out and had a very pleasant walk and cafe trip.

Tom my mate who I was meant to race with was an absolute gent and told us to still travel to Holkham. I am glad I did, it has given me the bug again. I really want to become fit enough mentally and physically to complete my Ironman challenge.

I have recently started working with a Nutritionist, Marta. Marta is taking a look at my diet and advising and creating a weight loss programme for me to follow. I have only just begun this but I am excited to see how this progresses. The diet plan initially focussed on my breakfast, we have been discussing what my training diet will look like and lifelong habits to follow. I truly hope I can undo the harm I have done to my body.

Last week I had a few particularly ‘down’ days and I got a message from Sam asking if I fancied a run. I’d not run outside for a long time and it did me the world of good. It’s amazing how your worries go to the back of your mind while running. I’m hoping to do the same again this Tuesday. I’m the picture I’m the chubby one in black.

I’m conscious my last post was rather gloomy. The truth was I felt very low and could barely function. I’ve done a lot in the past few weeks to drag myself out of the mire.

I have had tablets, of course. My Lithium was changed to 1600mg per day. But mostly I had support of dear friends. There are too many to mention on here but most Sunday mornings I have gone for an early walk with Andy.

At the start of me feeling ill I also spent time with Christian. Getting me out again was transformative. Some days I really didn’t feel like it but we had such a nice time visiting places and getting me out.

I’m not going to put their photo but Mat and Ari have been frequent visitors. Even on the days when I didn’t want to do anything they gave me a reason to get out. Ben; a constant feature of our lives along with Dougal and Louise. Darius; for the numerate hours spent talking Cars and kids. Hilary and Lena for getting me back on my training. Sam for the coffees and Venus for the endless Chats. Chris for giving me the gift of swimming. Gill! I could not forget the amazing coffee chats. You know what I really am bloody lucky to have so many caring friends. There are more that have helped me too but I can’t fit them all in.

So what? What does this mean? Well, for a start it gives me a reason to keep fighting. My mental health is a journey, one that I will not fight on my own. That means a a lot. So then black dog you Mother Fucker. I’ve assembled an army to fight you!! Are you ready?!

Well, where to start? Do I start at the last race? Or was it before this? To be honest I have known things are not quite right for a little while. I suppose if it wasn’t this blog would be called ‘Operation Ironman’.

My negative mental thoughts have been coming to the fore. Some days I have not got out of bed till midday and some days I didn’t get up at all. This really sucks and doesn’t pose positive for a potential Ironman. We went away to see friends in Germany and came back feeling weary.

The children didn’t notice anything up, but I knew. I knew having to fight against my mind to get up in the morning. I knew that I didn’t want to train. I knew I didn’t feel right. This is the life of Bipolar – or is it? I’m not going to throw in the towel, I’m going to keep on pushing forward.

One of my favourite things is to take the dog for a walk, specifically through some woodland where she can dance between the trees. I always take a flask of tea and sit to contemplate life when a bench is spotted

In these moments I do most of my deep thought. I share them with a friend. But todays walk made me realise I am capable, I can beat this.

So this past few weeks I’ve been getting over Covid and been training as and when I can. I have done some time on the Treadmill, Turbo and time on the pavements. I even took the dog out for her first run. I know she loved it.

The past week I’ve been struggling mentally again and spent most of it on my emergency meds. Sometimes it makes you feel ‘why do I bother’. But I won’t give in, I took my family to Bridlington on Friday to scatter Paddy’s ashes.

We’ve been Bridlington a few times now and the miles of open beaches are wonderful for a nice walk. Paddy loved it here; so we thought it was an apt place to let him free. The kids really enjoyed their time too. I felt sad letting paddy’s ashes free, but knew it was for the best. He loved the beach here.

I knew getting away for a few days would help with the mind and I didn’t take my ‘emergency’ meds all weekend. I also got up and did a 40 min run before the others were even awake. The sea air really does me good. Although in this photo I seem knackered.

When we got home today (on the Sunday) we all had a very Lazy day and watched the England football match. Overall, it’s been a very good weekend. Next weekend is the Para Duathlon.