October 2019 is where my blog story started. It was always a private thing, mental health. I hid my diagnosis from almost everyone. Only a handful of people knew or understood. I remember as clear as day logging onto Facebook and reading a post from a good friend Naomi. She put a post online saying how she had experienced mental health illness in the past and had hidden it from people – just like me.
I was staggered, fore we sat one seat apart from each other at work and over the years had formed a close friendship. We had daily chats and small talk about each other’s lives and shared so much, but also so little. It hit me that had I known and shared my story with her that we could have supported each other. Right there and then I decided to be impulsive and make a social medial ‘I am Bipolar’ post. That was it. I was out. What would people say?
Well one of the biggest surprises to me was everybody was so super supportive. All of a sudden I realised sharing really is caring. The amount of people who have opened up to me (some privately) and some publicly about their own personal mental health journey. It has led me down many exciting and nerve racking avenues. One – my work put my story on their dot com, two – a magazine ran my story and three – I became a guest lecturer at Derby University talking about my experiences of mental health.
The elephant in the room is my Ironman. Or lack of! Well you know what, I have not given in and put that one to bed. I look back at the journey I’ve been on and the fact that it has put me on a certain trajectory only to have it curtailed by mental health problems. There were peripheral issues going on. I were not well and miserable at work. But that is all a thing of the past and I am oh, so happy right now!
I look back in pride at losing six stone in weight in six months. I feel pride at the stoic determination I had with relentless pursuit to achieve an Ironman at all costs. I made some great friends on the way and continue to see them as my journey continues.
I don’t have a name for the next chapter. The lockdown and training was easy for me. I had 4 things to do. 1) be a dad 2) work 3) be a husband and 4) be a triathlete. I trained like a pro, not missing a session or a day. But when lockdown ended. Something else did also. I look back at a day in particular where we did eat out to help out and I was gluttonous I had all the food and beer a functioning human could take.
I had had a taste, but for now I was still determined. I had entered Ironman 70.3 in Venice. Everything was booked and all I had to do was continue training and I would be a 70.3 Ironman. However it wasn’t to be. Boris decided we needed another lockdown. Lockdown 3 broke something in me. My mental health started to suffer, I couldn’t get to a pool and I was still digging deep. Then it came, Ironman Venice 70.3 was cancelled. I threw a big “fuck you” to the world and hit the pub.
My weight gains were pretty impressive for a land based mammal. Before long I was 140kg again and feeling pretty miserable. I did make it to a 70.3 but I was a shadow of my former self. I actually find it quite embarrassing and am yet to post any photos of me as I don’t like my reflection there. That was possibly my lowest time.
Then evolved the Cumbrian chapter of my life. I remember vividly sitting at home and my friend Gareth shared a job advert for Project Management roles in Barrow in Furness. I called Gareth and he told me of the journey he was having and how much he enjoyed it so I decided to put in for it. Work for me was so terrible I was at a crossroads where I could have easily left but decided to have one more roll of the dice.
I went for it! With both hands I grabbed the opportunity and dived in. I didn’t know what to expect, but it couldn’t be any worse than my current situation. I spent 12 months on a rebuilding mission. Rebuilding myself, rebuilding my mind and rebuilding my confidence. What I didn’t realise was how barrow turned out to be the saviour of me.
So here we are. I’ve started training again and have lost some kilo’s and an even thinking about mentioning the word Ironman again. I have my 4 angels Hilary, Zoe, Marta and importantly Linda. Together these amazing women are rebuilding me. Carl 2.0 takes no shit, ain’t afraid of anything and has a great team around him!
Funny how one social medial post from a friend can spark such a journey.
Bipolar Ironman 