Pardon the pun. But sometimes being mentally ill can really suck. I don’t say this for sympathy but sometimes I go to some really dark places. This week was a Doosie. So last week I had my regular check up for my Lithium levels and these were low which resulted in be feeling low in ebb should we say.
I took a call from my GP who in turn had me see the Psychiatrist to discuss my levels and decide what to do next. With the fact that I was going through mental angst at the chemical imbalance in my mind I was signed off for a couple of weeks.
I really don’t like being signed off, it makes me feel like I’ve let my team down. But the truth is I really do not feel great.
At the minute I am trying to manage a full time job, complete a Masters Degree part time, my role as a charity trustee, planning for having work done on our house, I am trying to lose weight again, train for an Ironman, grieving for my grandad, my parents gone to Oz for 3 months, dogs constantly trying to kill each other all while trying to ‘mask’ and pretend I’m ok. It’s exhausting.
Since last year I’ve been training with Team Huub and the head coach. All I feel is I’m letting everyone down by not doing enough. It’s dragging me down. I gave all my ‘big’ clothes away, so have nothing that actually fits to wear any more. I was looking through Photos of me taken on my phone. Gone are the photos of me training, there have all been replaced by photos of me either with a drink in hand or eating at a restaurant. This needs to change.
Well I made a decision in a Starbucks this Monday evening. I’m pulling out of Ironman Venice I am going to still do an Ironman but I need to get the order right and lose the pressure. My ‘A’ race this year is going to be the Para Triathlon event at Eton Dorney. That is enough. End.
Bipolar Ironman 